Jesus Didn’t Heal Me

Mark 1

That evening, at sunset, they brought to him all who were sick or possessed by demons. And the whole city was gathered around the door. And he cured many who were sick with various diseases and cast out many demons, and he would not permit the demons to speak, because they knew him. In the morning, while it was still very dark, he got up and went out to a deserted place, and there he prayed. And Simon and his companions hunted for him. When they found him, they said to him, “Everyone is searching for you.” He answered, “Let us go on to the neighboring towns, so that I may proclaim the message there also, for that is what I came out to do.” And he went throughout all Galilee, proclaiming the message in their synagogues and casting out demons. (Mark 1)

I’m certain that I did all the right things.

I mean, I can’t think of anything else I could have done.

Surely you know, in your time, the amazing stories of how Jesus healed the sick, gave sight to the blind, hearing to the deaf, and how he drove out demons. And, just as surely, you must know that He most often did these things for the “least of these” as He would call them.

Without a doubt, I am one of the least of these. And without a doubt, I followed Jesus, listening to Him teach, and witnessing how He healed. I was even in a large crowd that Jesus miraculously fed with only five loaves and two fish.

I prayed. Yes, I prayed again and again for His healing touch. I prayed for hours at a time. I prayed on my knees. And I even asked others to pray for me, that I would be healed.

You may be wondering: what was my disease? My impairment? My malady? I will tell you that I was born with what you call a handicap, perhaps even a deformity, one that is so debilitating that I cannot truly function as a normal adult.

So, you can see that my prayers were for something really important, not some trivial, temporary problem.

Yet, it didn’t help. I followed Jesus, often finding myself in a long line of supplicants, people like me, begging to be healed.

You must understand that Jesus was not at fault. No, it wasn’t as if He tried and failed with me, while succeeding with so many others. No, it was more a case of finding myself at the end of the line, never actually reaching the place where I could receive His healing touch.

And then He would say, “Let us go on to the neighboring towns, so that I may proclaim the message there also, for that is what I came out to do.” 

And so, now, Jesus is gone. He was crucified by the Romans. And as you know, after three days in a tomb, Jesus was raised from the dead and later, He ascended into heaven. As a follower and believer, I am totally at peace with that.

Yet, my condition persists. And I ask myself: why? Why could I not be among those who celebrated a miracle healing from Jesus? Why can’t my family see, as others did, how my faith, my prayers and my actions brought about healing? I could have been such a great witness to others about the healing power of Jesus. But that didn’t happen.

So, what do I do now? How can I recover from so many unanswered prayers?

I’ve had to dig a lot further into my faith. It’s not that my faith was especially weak before. But living with such disappointment has led me to deeper places. I can’t say that I have been given answers from above, but I can tell you that a new path has been opened up to me, one that seems to be drawing me into something new. It’s almost as if I have turned a corner, with a new view of the life in front of me.

Does that make any sense to you? I fear not.

Let me explain what has happened, hopefully in terms that you can understand. Surprisingly, it’s very important for me to describe for you, when words seem so inadequate.

It all goes back to Jesus. Yes, it’s true, He didn’t heal me, even though He healed many others. But, after much soul-searching, I have discovered some things that I missed before.

First of all, I missed the prayers of Jesus. In your day, you can read about how often Jesus prayed. Because of the demands of His ministry, He often resorted to nighttime prayers. No other time of day gave Him the privacy that we all need when we pray to our Heavenly Father.

Of course, I did not observe the prayers of Jesus. I wasn’t there. But allow me to imagine for a moment that I know what Jesus prayed for.

He prayed for His disciples, that they would be faithful. He prayed that they would be protected from the evil one. He prayed for His enemies, including those who sought to stop His ministry, even including those who wanted to kill Him.

You may have read how, the night Jesus was arrested, He prayed to be released from the fate that His Father had in store for Him. Do you think that was the only time Jesus prayed for the Father to “remove this cup”(Luke 22)? I think not. I believe He prayed many times that His ministry might go on, giving Him more time to develop His followers into faithful leaders.

Agony in the Garden

El Greco, 1590

But, as you know, those prayers were denied. Jesus obeyed His Father. To His death.

And so, reflecting on the prayer life of Jesus has taught me that though Jesus prayed in faith, He accepted the will of the Father, even though His prayers, like my prayers, were not answered. Acceptance is the key and I am really struggling to accept the Father’s will just as Jesus did.

Does that mean that my handicap was the Father’s will? I don’t believe so. As the prophet Jeremiah wrote, the Father wants us to prosper. He has plans for us.

For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)

And so, in my disappointment, I must discern the Father’s plan for me. For my future with hope.

As a result, my prayers have shifted. Now, I am praying for direction, for guidance in how the Father might want me to use my handicap.

And you know what? I’m getting answers. Yes, the direction I’m seeking is coming to me and I’m discovering a calling in my life that I had never before seen.

Here it is. Here is what I am finding as I pray.

First of all, for gratitude. Yes, even through my handicap, I’ve been given gratitude for the gift of life; an imperfect life, to be sure, but one with possibilities that I’d never before imagined.

And second, I’m learning that God seeks to use me as I am, not as I wish to be. Yes, even with my malformed body, God wants to use me, to be a light to others, and not only to others who suffer as I do.

You see, we all suffer from something, don’t we? I’ve heard that the Apostle Paul calls that his “thorn in the flesh” (2 Corinthians 12). And so, I am called to go to those who suffer, to comfort them, to give them hope, and to witness to them about what God has done in my life.

And, thanks be to God, I can tell those others that, even if they are not healed, there is still a life to be grateful for. And what’s more, I can tell them that I share their suffering, and that despite my disappointment in not being healed, I have not given up on prayer to my heavenly Father.

We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose. (Romans 8)

And finally, I can report, as I am to you in this letter, that our God is good, a force of love that cannot be stopped by any enemy, any sickness, or any handicap. You see, God can break through the disappointment in any life, just as He did for Jesus in His disappointment, and just as He has for me.